Comrade Dobby's Report
by Ambiguity in D Major
Summary: Or, the H.E.A. Begins Preparations for the Coming War. Rated K for god-awful House Elf speech. A series of one shots depicting the decline and fall of the Wizarding World.
1. Comrade Dobby's Report

**Greetings one and all! Readers, minions, and various government spy agencies! I am here to bring you a short story that has nothing to do with Shadows' Shadows! WOOHOO!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I make no profit from writing. As is obvious, because if I owned Harry Potter, I would totally publish all my strange little stories and make millions off of my die-hard fans. **

**PS: Please recognize that if you didn't get it from the summary, this story is 70% crack, 20% boredom, 5% what goes on in my mind when I'm bored, and 5% the absolute, unadulterated truth***

**PPS: For those of you who can't tell due to the fact you have trouble reading through your tears of mirth, this is set during Fifth year.**

**PPPS: Also, I wish to add that I in no way support a Communist Revolution of the Lower Classes. And while you all chew on that little tidbit…**

**ON WITH THE STORY!**

"Can you do that, please, Dobby?"

Harry watched with amusement as the overdressed little house elf nodded so fast his ears flapped wildly.

"Oh yes, Dobby can certainly, for the great Harry Potter Sir Dobby can definitely do what the great Harry Potter Sir asks of him, absolutely!"

The teenaged wizard and his friends managed to hold in their laughter at Dobby's enthusiasm until after he popped away. Hermione frowned disapprovingly at Harry and Ron's antics.

"Not that I don't think asking him to find somewhere to hold the meetings was a good idea, but you don't have to make fun of him like that."

Between chuckles, Ron waved a dismissing hand at Hermione.

"Oh, shove off, Hermione. The little bugger's going to be zooming around the castle looking everywhere for the great 'Harry Potter Sir', and you know he's going to be enjoying every second of it. Can't help it we find him funny."

The witch huffed, not satisfied with the answer.

"Still, when you laugh at him, it makes me feel like we're taking advantage of him. He isn't smart enough to see that you're making fun of him, Ron, and so it's rude to laugh at him."

Meanwhile, in the Room of Requirement, also known as the Come and Go Room, also known as the Grand Demon Ritual Chamber, a meeting was being held.

A very old house elf stood at the bottom of an amphitheater, filled with low benches all facing the center. Other House Elves sat patiently on said benches, watching with rapt attention as Beardy called for order.

"It be good to see you alls again. Beardy wishes to say a few words, then he shall allow Comrade Dobby to give his report."

Instantly, all motion stopped as three hundred and five eyes fixed themselves on the Elf who popped into existence next to Beardy. Beardy cleared his throat, a sound that was akin to a squeaky toy being stepped on, and continued.

"The preparations under Comrade Shanky are going to plan. As of last Sunday, we be having enough pitchforks and torches to outfit two hundred Elfs." He paused to let the clapping die down. "Also, according to Comrade Blinky, his cover is intact, and none of the students suspect him."

A hand was raised in the middle of the crowd. Beardy acknowledged the Elf.

"Yes, Comrade Tatsy?"

The Elf in question stood up so as to be seen and posed a question to the elder.

"What be we doing with the Charmy Professor that Comrade Blinky be replacing?"

Beardy nodded. This one had foresight. Perhaps she should be shuffled into the Plotting Division?

"Professor Flitwicky will be assigned to the Dungeon Crew, and will be taking re-education courses with Comrade Thinky's division. Once he be re-educated Comrade Blinky can come back for another job."

Tatsy, satisfied by this explanation, nodded once and sat back down.

Beardy exchanged words with Dobby, then stepped aside and let him take the floor. Dobby took a breath, and began his debriefing.

"Harry Potter and his friends still don't be suspecting Dobby. They be wanting to find a room to practice spells away from the Toady Professor. Dobby suggests we can let them use the Come-And-Go Room to watch what they be learning."

The room was sent into a clamor as the Elves all began to voice their opinions on Dobby's idea, on the Toady Professor, on Harry Potter and his friends, and on which Board of Governors official they should have re-educated next. This went on for thirty seconds before Beardy stood up again and silence was immediately restored.

"Thank you. Can we please has a vote on the subject of letting Harry Potter use the Come-and-Go Room?"

Hands were raised, hands were sat upon, hands were forcefully pulled out from under their owners' bottoms and pushed into the air. Eventually, a vote was taken. The majority was in favor of sharing the Come-and-Go Room. The vote was recorded, and Beardy moved to the next piece of business.

"Now, who is the liaison to Comrade Lovegood this month?"

**There will be follow up stories if I feel like it. But it seemed like such a good place to leave off. And frankly, you all can imagine the rest yourselves. Until I smash those imaginings with the sledgehammer of an update.**

**Ta!**

**-Ambiguity**

***Seriously****.**** When you ****think ****about**** it, the whole House Elf slavery thing makes zero sense. Given the Wizarding attitude towards anything vaguely threatening their supremacy, why do they keep beings that can nullify all of their magic, pop through wards, and act wandlessly in their homes? Now, be honest. How many of you just scrolled back up to see where I put the footnote?**


	2. Comrade Pinky's Report

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I owned Harry Potter, Comrade Dobby would still be alive. Approximately 7 part-goblin Professors were hurt in the making of this fanfic.**

**And yeah, I said it was a oneshot. I lied. This is now designated as just a crackfic that gets updated irregularly.**

**ON WITH THE STORY!**

* * *

It was a bouncing and cheerful Filius Flitwick that greeted his students on Tuesday. Basically, a normal Charms class.

"Good morning, students! Today, we shall be learning a charm called the 'House Elf Suppression Charm'! It can be used in all sorts of circumstances, such as if all the House Elves in the Wizarding World suddenly rose up in a glorious Communist revolt against their human overlords!"

A miscellaneous student spoke up.

"That seems like a really specific and contrived circumstance, Professor."

Flitwick ignored the student, and proceeded to demonstrate the wand movements for the House Elf Suppression Charm.

As the students filed out of the room at the end of class, Hermione could be heard loudly disapproving of such a cruel charm.

"I suppose that it's because of Umbridge. She gets rid of Dumbledore and suddenly we learn a new curriculum that happens to be about suppressing minorities. I don't believe in the coincidence." With this statement she scowled over at where said professor was speaking to Professor Flitwick.

"I mean honestly, they're perfectly decent and harmless beings! We shouldn't be enslaving them in the first place, much less be learning charms to hurt them further!"

Ron shook his head at his friend's naïveté.

"Didn't you hear the Professor, Hermione? The only reason we'd need the charm is if the House Elves started attacking people. It's not like we're going to be using it on every House Elf we see."

Hermione frowned in thought.

"I suppose you're right," she conceded.

* * *

Draco Malfoy smirked nastily and pointed his wand at the unsuspecting House Elf.

"_House Elf Empowerifico!"_

Instantly the House Elf stopped what it was doing and sat down on the ground, hugging its knees and crying silently. The Slytherin laughed and moved on to the hundreds of other Elves in the kitchens. Soon enough, he had them all sobbing on the floor.

After a few seconds of enjoying his power rush, he walked out of the portrait hole and back down to the Slytherin Common Rooms. The elves, upon his departure, got back up, dusted themselves off, and went back to work.

And if one could scour pans smugly, then they would be doing so in just such a fashion.

* * *

The Room of Requirement was once again filled to the brim with House Elves. A large whiteboard displaying complex battle maneuvers and the recipe for Winky's hundred-proof Butterbeer was centered behind the podium. And then, as one, the Elves ceased their talking as Comrade Beardy took the podium.

"Greetings, comrades. Beardy hopes you is all well?" A general affirmative was given.

"Good, then on to business. Comrade Thinky's plan was a complete success, and the reports from the Kitchen Staff have all been positive. Professor Flitwick will resume his duties as soon as our Comrades in re-education can get him to stop sobbing uncontrollably."

There was a cheer, even though many of the Elves had already heard what had occurred from the Kitchen Staff.

"Secondly, our efforts to establish connections with the Elves of other Houses have met success. Comrade Pinky, will you take the floor."

The Elf known as Pinky stood nervously in the gaze of the entire population of Hogwarts' House Elves.

"Pinky be getting messages to the Old Pureblooded houses that still be keeping Elves. Cause Pinky isn't really a Hogwarts Elf, she can be leaving the school. The Malfoy Elves, the Parkinson Elves, the Nott Elves, the Smith Elves, and a few from the minor lines all be in agreement with the Comrades of Hogwarts."

An enormous cheer echoed throughout the room. Pinky blushed furiously and looked down at her feet. Unable to stand the incredible amount of attention, she silently snapped her fingers and popped away.

Beardy took the podium as Pinky reappeared in the crowd.

"Thank you. Now, Comrade Inky wishes to inform us that the ultimatum is nearly halfway finished, and shall be delivered to all major parties within the month."

"And finally, we would like the Toad Removal Squad to report on their efforts these last few weeks."

* * *

**I got bored. Thus resulting in another chapter. YAY.**

**Not enough time really to write another one for Shadows, though. Shame about that.**

**And it's not that I really have anything against Professor Flitwick. He's just short and squeaky already, so therefore the logical target for replacement by House Elf.**

**Bye!**

**-Ambiguity**


	3. Comrade Blitsy's Report

**And another installment of the T.H.E.A.P.f.t.O.W.!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, which is soon to be renamed the United Elvish Communist Regime. Also, try not to inhale too deeply while reading. While the results from the last few rounds of tests aren't finalized yet, this story ****has**** been proven to contain trace amounts of crack.**

* * *

Dumbledore stared in silent astonishment at his lemon drop bowl. It seemed that he had, yet again, run out of the delicious little candies. He sighed and called for his elf.

"Mitsy!"

Mitsy appeared with a quiet _pop_ and curtsied.

"What can Mitsy be doing for the Headmaster today, sir?"

Dumbledore smiled benevolently at the elf.

"It would seem I have run out of lemon drops again. Would you please-"

He was cut off as the elf grabbed the empty bowl, popped away, and then reappeared moments later with a full bowl in hand.

"Thank you."

As Dumbledore sat back down at his Headmaster's desk, he unwrapped one of the small yellow hard candies and began to suck. As the sour, sweet lemony taste spread through his mouth, it quite effectively masked the taste of the addictive and inhibiting agents. The great Albus Dumbledore's eyes slightly glazed as he fell into another psychotropic drug-induced haze.

* * *

Minerva McGonagall looked around the staff table. She pursed her lips as she observed her fellow educators. Something seemed… off, to say the least. Albus hardly ever showed up for meals anymore, and when he did, all he did was sit at the Head Table with a bowl of those confounded Sherbet Lemons.

Filius Flitwick, her longtime friend and drinking buddy, had grown quiet in the past months, only ever breaking his self-imposed silence for his teaching duties and periodic twitching fits, which were accompanied by silent sobbing and rapid, low mumbling. She wasn't sure what had happened to him, but it seemed personal, so she felt it wouldn't be right to impose.

Delores Umbridge had grown less and less smug ever since her appointment as High Inquisitor, slowly retreating into herself and spending less time doing her 'Inquisitorial Duties as appointed by Cornelius'. Not that Minerva was complaining, but that was certainly out of character. The toad-like woman was also developing deep shadows underneath her eyes, and her wand hand would occasionally twitch towards her pocket, as if on nervous instinct, if anybody spoke too loudly out of her range of vision.

Pomona Sprout was cheerful as ever, but now there was a hard glint to her eyes, as if she was secretly plotting your disappearance as she spoke to you. Also, McGonagall could have sworn she caught a glimpse of blueprints in Sprout's office, but couldn't be sure. The Hufflepuffs in general were acting strangely, but they were all an odd bunch anyways.

And Severus Snape was, well, Severus Snape. Nothing much had changed there, unfortunately.

It was all slightly distressing, almost as concerning as the strange packages she'd been receiving in the afternoon mail. Honestly, who on earth would send her five gallons of petroleum, a gardening hose, and what seemed to be an empty tin can was beyond her. For now, she'd just taken to putting the random items outside her office door for the elves to collect on their nightly cleaning rounds, and by morning the strange deliveries were always gone.

Surely it was nothing.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Room of Requirement, another meeting of the HEA was called to order. Comrade Beardy stood to the podium, waving his hand and clearing the rather realistic game of Battleship that some of the other elves were waging across the hall. The regular seating appeared, and the staff of Hogwarts sat at attention.

"Thank you all. Now, Beardy would like to say that it has been a successful month since we all be meeting, and in that time we be making much progress towards the final goal."

Cheering sounded throughout the chamber.

"Settle down, settle down. Now, there be some updates to make. Comrade Blinky, please take the floor."

All eyes stared at the famed House Elf who had so fearlessly risked his safety in the grand plan.

"Thank you very much, Comrade Beardy," the small, yet inexplicably debonair House Elf began. "Professor Flitwicky be now re-educated, and be mostly intact!"

He paused for the tumultuous applause.

"Blinky be thankful to serve the cause, and be ready to serve again if he be needed. That is all."

To more deafening applause, Blinky stepped down from the podium and took his seat. Comrade Beardy stepped back up, and continued with his announcements.

"The connections with the Puffleups be going smoothly, and negotiations be still underway, according to Comrades Inky and Parley. The ultimatum for Voldy be ready to be delivered, and is being copied for the Minister of Magic as we be speaking. And now, Beardy will cede the floor to Comrades Tufty and Blitsy, who have been heading the Toad Removal Squad these past weeks."

More applause. The charismatic Comrade Blitsy took the stage, while his faithful companion Tufty stood to the side.

"Thank you, thank you. Toad Removal, while progress be happening, be going slow. The toad be determined, but we be determineder. The sleep-prevention be going well, and she only be finding, on average, seven of the spiders a night. The Elves assigned to stand at the edge of her vision be doing their duties perfectly, and she still isn't detecting the Elves who be rearranging her furniture and decorations when she be out of the office."

With a winning smile, Comrade Blitsy waved and strode off back to the side, exuding the power and confidence expected of a Comrade of his standing. Tufty followed close behind. All of the Comrades in attendance paused in reverence for a moment before exploding into wild cheers. What a leader! What an incredible, capable, honest, hard-working specimen of a House Elf!

Beardy stood back up for the final time, looking on proudly as Blitsy took his seat.

"Thank you Comrade Blitsy. Now, for our last piece of business, Beardy be hearing that Comrade Shanky be developing some new armaments for the good of the Comrades. Could he please step up to demonstrate?"

* * *

**I'm on a roll.**

**First Shadows Chapter 10, then the next installment of the Comrade Dobby series?**

**On a roll.**

**Anyways, this is the longest chapter yet! They're slowly gaining in length as this originally silly and simple idea grew into a silly and complex idea. Even so, we'll probably be wrapping up in a few chapters. Any thoughts? Hit that lovely review button! Really like the story? Hit the Favorite button. Tell all your friends about the story. Begin quoting random passages. Spend hours analyzing dialogue for your next English thesis.**

**And remember- check your candy. Lemon drops are not to be trusted.**

**-Ambiguity**


	4. To the Desk of Snakeyface Badman

**Now, if we look over here we can find the product of an extremely bored mind who has nothing better to do on a February afternoon! A true masterpiece, to be sure.**

**Disclaimer: I'm fairly certain that nobody will sue me for writing this, but just to be safe. If it wasn't made blatantly obvious, I don't own Harry Potter. I am not JK Rowling. If either were true, then my books wouldn't be so full of plot holes and convenient coincidences so as to render the main character invincible from his own poor decisions and dangerous lifestyle.**

**But that's just wishful thinking.**

**ON WITH THE STORY!**

* * *

The great and powerful Dark Lord Voldemort was having a rather unusual day.

For example, when he normally woke up, there was no dagger impaling his pillow directly in front of his head, with a note attached reading '_This could easily have been ten centimeters to the left.'_

As there was such a dagger this particular morning, he felt that it could be reasonably labeled as unusual. Not only had somebody had the _audacity_ to ruin his (Malfoy's) silken pillowcase and peacock-down pillow, but they had also somehow bypassed the numerous wards he had left on the door, window, and at random intervals approaching his bed. This would be the first unusual event of the day, but by no means would it be the last.

At breakfast time, the faceless Death Eater he had tasting his breakfast for poison keeled over after approaching the platter holding his breakfast. As he was still across the room when it happened, he decided not to approach any closer in favor of sending a few diagnostic spells at the fallen flunky.

The feedback screamed 'POISONED' so loudly he had to immediately cancel the spell or go deaf. Lord Voldemort decided that perhaps skipping breakfast today would be a good idea. Vanishing the food and most of the air in the room, Lord Voldemort stepped around the still form of his dead underling and went about his daily Dark Lord business. This generally consisted of sitting on his throne while Death Eaters brought him news, while he laughed maniacally at various appropriate intervals. On slow days he'd kill some time lurking around in the back of Harry Potter's head, generating large amounts of teenage angst and unreasonable anger.

However, today marked yet another break in his routine as, on his throne, there sat a scroll marked with postage from the public Owl Mail service. He had no clue how an owl had managed to make its way into the bowels of the Malfoy Manor undetected, but the stray feathers lying around Nagini gave him an approximation of its current location. After casting the appropriate detection charms and removing the customary larynx-shredding curse embedded in the seal, he opened up the letter addressed to one "_Mr. Snakey-Faced Badman_". He had no clue who this Mr. Badman was, and there was certainly nothing wrong with his face, snake-related or otherwise. His loyal Death Eaters would surely have told him of any flaws in the resurrection ritual, and he would have made the appropriate changes after Crucioing the messenger for their help. But, seeing as the letter was on his chair, he decided that it simply must have just been a case of mistaken naming.\

"_Dear Mr. Badman, a.k.a. The Dark Lord Voldemort, a.k.a. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, a.k.a. You-Know-Who,_

_The United House Elf Association of Comrades in Elven Alliance for the General Freedom of All Elfkind (UHEACEAGFAE) is hereby serving you official notice of its aggressive intentions towards your organization and all of its affiliate families. Henceforth, barring the release of all House Elves in the service of the aforementioned parties, the payment for services rendered in the lifetimes of the aforementioned House Elves, the payment for damages rendered unto the aforementioned House Elves, and the forfeiture of every left sock currently in ownership by the individuals in your organization and the affiliate families, the UHEACEAGFAE shall forthwith declare unilateral war against your aforementioned organizations._

_No quarter shall be given. No wizard, witch, or resurrected Dark Lords will be spared. We will systematically loot, pillage, sack, demolish, raze, burn, and make insulting remarks to all properties and individuals related to you and your organization and its affiliate families. No relatives will be spared. No friends will be spared. No strangers nodded to in the street last Tuesday will be spared._

_You have already received three warnings to make clear our dedication to this conflict in the form of the knife in your pillow, the poison in your breakfast, and the Bollocks-Vanishing charm tied into the last few lines of this letter._

_You have until five minutes ago to comply with our demands._

_Sincerely,_

_Comrade Inky_

_Publicity Representative_

_The United House Elf Association of Comrades in Elven Alliance for the General Freedom of All Elfkind"_

Voldemort's eyes widened in rage and surprise. He pulled open his waistband, glanced down, and let out a bloodcurdling scream.

"Yes, my Lord?" Lucius Malfoy came running into the room.

"Malfoy! Is anything wrong with my face?"

The Death Eater's hesitation was enough of an answer.

"Why didn't anybody say anything? _Crucio! Crucio!_"

It was at this moment that the kiloton of plastic explosives preemptively placed by the Malfoy House Elves detonated, reducing most of the Ancient and Most Noble house of Malfoy's vast property to a smoldering crater.

* * *

**Always double check the letter for curses. Always.**

**Anyway, I got bored, realized this hadn't been updated in nearly a year, and so here's the result. See that shiny button at the bottom? It says Review, and it acts like a review button, but really calls in the airstrike on your enemies.**

**So be a good citizen and keep hitting that button.**

**-Ambiguity**


End file.
